I stood at the edge of the path into the deep woods and listened. Would I hear the Faery speak again today? I remembered the first time, four months after my small daughter’s death. Those words are still so hard for me to say, let alone to believe. One moment she was alive and well, smiling and happy, giggling over nothing. Then suddenly she turned pale. As I took her in my arms, she touched her chest and said, “Mommy, I feel funny.” Then she closed her eyes and was gone. They said it was her heart, but they were wrong. It was my heart that broke and died that day. I have relived that scene a thousand times, and still she is gone and I am here, alone
The day of which I speak I was walking aimlessly through the woods, thinking of nothing. Numb, as I had been the day before and the day before that. From out of nowhere I was overtaken by a wave of sadness so vast I thought, “This will be the one. This one will take me under once and for all, and the agony will be over.” I sank down on a moss-upholstered log, leaned forward and put my face in my hands, the longing for my little girl too intense to bear.
How long I sat there, willing myself to die, I will never know. Then I felt a small hand patting my shoulder, softly and comfortingly, and a sweet voice whispered, “We’re so sorry about your little girl. But please don’t weep so, it makes her sad to hear you. She cannot speak to you, but she is fretting so over you that she cannot go on to fulfill her destiny. You must let her go.” This last was said rather sternly, and when I opened tear-drenched eyes, I found myself face-to-face with a small, winged being who could only be one of the Faery Realm.
Her gaze combined kindness and compassion with a glint of steel, and for the first time in a long time I felt a spark of interest flare, something had penetrated the fog of despair in which I had been trapped. “Can you see her, speak to her? Will you tell her I love her, miss her, every moment of every day?” “Your daughter knows all of this,” was the calm reply, “but she also feels the depth and intensity of your grief and they bind her to you when she would move on. You know this is true. You must accept it and free her spirit to its joyous destiny. Believe and dare to let go, and your dearest wish will be granted. Now go from here and think of all you have seen and heard. When you are ready, come back to this place and I will be here.” There was a brilliant flash of light and she was gone.
All of this is what has led me here today, to my rendezvous with the impossible, and I am ready. “Belle, my darling, forgive me for clinging onto you as if I thought this life were all. I release you and I set you free. You will be in my heart always.” As I spoke these words, a path of light was illuminated into the deepest, golden heart of the forest, and the Faery with whom I had spoken appeared and smiled her approval. She held out a tiny hand to me and spoke. “Because of your great love and unselfish act, I have been empowered to offer you shelter in the Faery Realm, until it is time for you to join your daughter once more. There you will know peace and a kind of happiness, and your days will pass quickly.” She paused for a moment, then continued, “I will return for your answer in three days”, and once again she vanished.
My decision is made. If you are reading this note I have left, I am already gone, into the Faery Realm, into peace and forgetfulness. Farewell. Remember me with kindness.
(Originally published on April 19, 2010)