Pacificmelody's Blog

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Beauty and Madness

Fairy

I’ve opened my heart and the words are flowing flowing in time to the desperate beauty of the music and the night and the utter inevitability of it all meeting you here loving you losing you how could I tell it was our one and only chance out of all time to find each other but I won’t accept it can’t believe it it must be a nightmare from which I’ll awaken and soon oh god I can’t bear the loss the pain the terror of never holding you again of never feeling that soul-deep connection only you and I achieved out of a night more wondrous than all the other nights before in a world with everything to offer and nothing to be gained without you my thoughts are in a constant whirl and the earth moves in small tremors underneath my feet I’ve heard of losing your mind and I wonder if this is how it feels and then I pull myself together and look for a plan any plan any motion anything but nothing at all I can’t slow down long enough for the pain to catch me must outrun it stay ahead of the fear and the panic hold onto my wits for someday I’ll need them again have to find you can’t stop running can’t stop thinking where would I go if I were the most wonderful person in the world on the run from me and again my mind whirs and the numbers fly by and no conclusion is reached I check my phone again no missed calls no messages no hope no time to think no hope keep my spirits up keep on thinking don’t stop moving go to every place we’ve ever been call all your friends and mine put in a missing persons report no it’s too soon or too late I can no longer tell can you hear me can you feel me can you feel my pain and regret and the heavy heart that carries the burden of my stupidity and loss and pain I will find you again I will there is that your face your hair your car your walk no just another stranger gaping at my mad behavior and on and on I go and every face I search belongs to someone not you and still I will search and I will find you hear me call you hear my call hear my cries feel my love which is stronger than my silly brain forgive me and forget my sins and take me back and it will be as once it was between us as pure and innocent and perfect as the dawn and we will be together forever Oh come back come back take me back don’t you know how much I love you there are are there you are is it a mirage or are you really there I’m melting no I’m fainting no I’m saved by you.

(Originally published August 7, 2011.)

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