Pacificmelody's Blog

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Modern Love

Modern Love

You look at me
As if from a great distance ~
As would a survivor in a
Lifeboat ~ look at a
Doomed man on the deck ~

I can tell in your mind
I am already gone ~
A memory from the past
You have unfriended me ~
And blocked my access
To all your social sites ~

I fear that if I come to call
Your maid will tell me
You’re not in ~
Not into me, no ~

Never again will I be
On your guest list ~
Nor will your friends
Be my friends any more ~

I am no longer in ~
My flavor has lost
Its brief appeal ~
I’ve fallen so far from
My place near your star ~

And even though I knew
This day would come ~
The pain is startling ~
More intense than ever
I’d foreseen ~

And I will always see your eyes ~
The day you never even said goodbye ~

(Originally published February 17, 2012)

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The Hardest Lesson

1258315396469090.jpeg mourningA wave of love and
Longing washes over me ~
It’s been so long
Since last I held you
In my arms ~

My world ended
In a moment ~
But that moment
Has gone on forever ~
Though you have not ~

We speak of death
As if it were an entity ~
It is not kind or cruel
As the case may be ~
But only the cessation ~
Of this phase of life ~

The breath is stilled
The heart will beat no more ~
The fleshly envelope
Has given up its
Animating spirit ~

One learns to speak of the
Beloved in the past tense ~
But is it right to say
I ‘loved’ him ~ when I
Love him still ~

The busywork of death
Can be distracting ~
But ritual can take you
Just so far ~

I’ve had to learn
To live without you ~
I’m learning still ~


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The Cruelest Time

This Woman

This Woman

So much Death!
So many endings ~
Too much pain
To keep inside ~

This is the hardest
Time of the year ~
When the sun seems
Powerless ~ against
The early darkness
And the brutal cold ~

The memories
Press down upon me ~
The wind is fierce ~ and
Its chill seeks out
The marrow of my bones
To make its home ~

And you are many years
And many miles ago ~
Another lifetime in a
Different place ~ and
I am a different woman ~

But this woman
Loves you too ~


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If You Go Down In The Woods Today (a work of fiction)

Into the Faerie Kingdom

Into the Faerie Kingdom

I stood at the edge of the path into the deep woods and listened. Would I hear the Faery speak again today? I remembered the first time, four months after my small daughter’s death. Those words are still so hard for me to say, let alone to believe. One moment she was alive and well, smiling and happy, giggling over nothing. Then suddenly she turned pale. As I took her in my arms, she touched her chest and said, “Mommy, I feel funny.” Then she closed her eyes and was gone. They said it was her heart, but they were wrong. It was my heart that broke and died that day. I have relived that scene a thousand times, and still she is gone and I am here, alone

The day of which I speak I was walking aimlessly through the woods, thinking of nothing. Numb, as I had been the day before and the day before that. From out of nowhere I was overtaken by a wave of sadness so vast I thought, “This will be the one. This one will take me under once and for all, and the agony will be over.” I sank down on a moss-upholstered log, leaned forward and put my face in my hands, the longing for my little girl too intense to bear.

How long I sat there, willing myself to die, I will never know. Then I felt a small hand patting my shoulder, softly and comfortingly, and a sweet voice whispered, “We’re so sorry about your little girl. But please don’t weep so, it makes her sad to hear you. She cannot speak to you, but she is fretting so over you that she cannot go on to fulfill her destiny. You must let her go.” This last was said rather sternly, and when I opened tear-drenched eyes, I found myself face-to-face with a small, winged being who could only be one of the Faery Realm.

Her gaze combined kindness and compassion with a glint of steel, and for the first time in a long time I felt a spark of interest flare, something had penetrated the fog of despair in which I had been trapped. “Can you see her, speak to her? Will you tell her I love her, miss her, every moment of every day?” “Your daughter knows all of this,” was the calm reply, “but she also feels the depth and intensity of your grief and they bind her to you when she would move on. You know this is true. You must accept it and free her spirit to its joyous destiny. Believe and dare to let go, and your dearest wish will be granted. Now go from here and think of all you have seen and heard. When you are ready, come back to this place and I will be here.” There was a brilliant flash of light and she was gone.

All of this is what has led me here today, to my rendezvous with the impossible, and I am ready. “Belle, my darling, forgive me for clinging onto you as if I thought this life were all. I release you and I set you free. You will be in my heart always.” As I spoke these words, a path of light was illuminated into the deepest, golden heart of the forest, and the Faery with whom I had spoken appeared and smiled her approval. She held out a tiny hand to me and spoke. “Because of your great love and unselfish act, I have been empowered to offer you shelter in the Faery Realm, until it is time for you to join your daughter once more. There you will know peace and a kind of happiness, and your days will pass quickly.” She paused for a moment, then continued, “I will return for your answer in three days”, and once again she vanished.

My decision is made. If you are reading this note I have left, I am already gone, into the Faery Realm, into peace and forgetfulness. Farewell. Remember me with kindness.

(Originally published on April 19, 2010)


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The Observer

Rhorschach test.

Rorschach test.

The tears fall down her cheeks
In groups of twos and threes ~
Like Rorschach patterns of
Dark droplets ~ spattered starkly
On her scarlet satin blouse ~

She doesn’t know I’m watching
And her guard is down ~
I’ve never seen this side
Of her before ~ she’s
Never seemed so fragile ~
Or so very real ~

And as I watch I see
Her shoulders straighten ~
And her posture change ~
From somewhere deep inside
New strength pours in ~

I’ve heard the rumors ~
Though I know I’ll never
Know the truth ~
But one thing that I know ~

Some loves will not
Let go ~ some ties
Cannot be broken and
Some hurts will
Truly never heal ~
And I see all the signs ~


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A Lover’s Prayer

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The Parting

At a certain level ~
Pain has a presence of its own ~
This pain breathes into me ~
Without a warning ~ with
No time to prepare ~
And I am caught out ~
With no chance of escape
Or of evasion ~
No way to change the
Certainty in your eyes
Once more to doubt ~
I would have spared you
Had my body not betrayed
Me ~ and I know my heart
Is in my eyes ~
From here on the path
Lies hidden ~ and I cannot
See the stars ~
Will we go on ~
Now that we know
That now is all we have ~
Have we the courage
To live our love to its
conclusion ~
My love that I be blessed
To breathe my last
Here in your arms ~