Bronte | Pacificmelody's Blog

Charlotte (Snooki) Brontë

Wednesday, December 16, 1840. Here are the latest developments in the adventures of Snooki Bronte as she charts her willful course through the salons and ballrooms of polite society, head held high. The ladies put their heads together behind their fans, to whisper of rumors and sightings, while the gentlemen greet her with compliments, toasts and languishing glances.

This Reporter was in court to witness Miss Brontë’s appearance before the normally austere Judge Clarence Anthony Roberts, whose collar wilted as visibly as did his usually stern visage, as Snooki worked her feminine wiles upon him. Clad in a sober dark blue gown which nonetheless managed to cling to her form just a tad too faithfully, the Defendant appeared young, demure and fragile. Her abundant brown hair, caught up in a becoming style with wispy curls escaping, caught, too, the light and the avid eyes of the spectators gathered to watch the drama unfold. The crowd was warned by the Judge that excessive emotion would not be allowed!

Snooki, as she prefers to be addressed by friends, presented a picture of repentance as the numerous charges were read out. She expressed herself to be desirous of making reparation and of leading, in future, a life of sobriety and good works. She accepted Judge Roberts’s sentence to ‘acts of charity on behalf of the indigent’, with grace and a becoming humility, and thanked him prettily for the Court’s forbearance.

As part of the plea bargain arranged by her shrewd and obviously smitten attorney, Snooki will be accompanied on her outings for the next three months by a matron trained by the Bow Street Runners and currently in the employ of the Metropolitan Police. If this stipulation frets the suspiciously quiet Snooki, it does not show. One could almost be forgiven for thinking that some outrageous scheme lurks behind those limpid eyes, that enigmatic smile. I doubt she will leave us in suspense for long, and this Reporter will be the first to bring you word!

Following is a link to this Reporter’s earlier story:

Charlotte (Snooki) Brontë Ditches Rehab Again

Apparently even famous writers are susceptible to the whims of fame.

Caught between trips to rehab.

Wednesday, February 2, 1840. This just in: Paparazzi, who have been staking out the Elizabeth Fordyce Clinic for Troublesome Young Women in the hope of catching a glimpse of Snooki Brontë, were rewarded by the sight of a cloaked and hooded figure being ushered away from the clinic by her publisher. Since this is in direct violation of the judge’s orders, her freedom can probably be counted in hours. It is expected that Snooki will make the most of her time on the loose. The trip from the front door of the facility to her carriage was marred by several stumbles, but she recovered and was able to make it up the steps with the aid of her maid, who had accompanied her into rehab.

Friends, who had arranged an intervention for Snooki and pleaded with her to seek help, could not be reached for comment. One unidentified source, upon being promised anonymity, said that Snooki had been “A real handful. Always after her visitors to supply her with smuggled smelling salts and begging sips from their flasks. And she could turn really ugly if denied her little ‘treats’.” Efforts to gain further information have been thwarted by clinic personnel, although another inmate was heard to mutter, “Good riddance to the little witch,” or at least that’s what we think he said.

Obviously Snooki had done little to endear herself to her fellow sufferers, who were pretty tired of hearing about “Jane Eyre” this and “Jane Eyre” that. “Resting on her laurels is what she is,” was the opinion of another. “She hasn’t written a word in years and may never again. Just lucky that folks liked it. It was a scandalous book!”

Well, we’re off to the clubs where Snooki can most likely be found, perhaps doing an intimate gavotte with one of her low companions. We’re certain there will be ankles aplenty on view once she starts on the Madeira. Stay tuned for further up-to-the-moment bulletins as Snooki riots through London once more!